well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
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I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
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Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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