the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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