i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
