Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
