I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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