im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.