I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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