then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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