I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)