Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea