Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
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I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
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i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.