I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
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My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She just used a chaser for red wine.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
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It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.