The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
