So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.