I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
