stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
