she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
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I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.