He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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