I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
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Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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