goodnight i made you a song goodbye
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
