I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience