so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever