at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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