Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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