seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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