My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
