I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
