At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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