Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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