His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.