Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky