We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
