I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
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My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
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I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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