Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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