I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
