I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
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My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
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No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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