Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me