Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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