she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
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The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
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That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes