today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
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Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
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I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die