He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
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Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I think I sprained my soul last night
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
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