just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize