I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.