Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial