We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
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I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
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Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He managed to rip my nipple last night....