Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i would punch a child for taco bell
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.