In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
