i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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