The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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