Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom