It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.