I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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