I wish my penis had an off switch
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Holy shit dude........stairs
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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