I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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