she was so not down for the gang bang
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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