Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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