Are we in a gay sports bar?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I forgot wine drunk hurts
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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