i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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