so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
