2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved