I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
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We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
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he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?