he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
