I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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